Charam

I braced myself for what was about to come as I was on the trike going to Ateneo. It all happened so fast: starting from a conversation that happened on Sunday that I shouldn't miss opportunities while they were there. Frankly, I didn't need the lecture. I knew what I wanted. I wanted so badly to go to school, but to have it rubbed in my face was more painful, especially by someone who couldn't see all sides of the story -- and yet, God used her. God used her to CPR that dying desire in my heart to study. To go back to Ateneo.


I was happy where I was. I honestly believed that I had masterfully set it in my heart to not return to school this semester, in the hopes of helping my family with our current financial situation; my parents aren't regularly employed so I thought working was the best thing because it helped pay the bills, and in a way helped me get what I wanted without being a burden to my parents. School was far from my mind, 300,000 miles away in the modern land of milk and honey, the USA. My plan was to get by this last year through working, then fly off and migrate to the States and continue to study there. But, as my auntie explained during our Sunday lunch discussion, it would be even more difficult for me because my brain would've stopped getting used to learning for such a long time. While I accepted this, I'd have to admit I was a teensy bit annoyed because all the factors weren't put into thought -- while there hasn't been one single day the thought of going back to school didn't cross my mind, i'd put it aside and remember how we don't have that luxury, and we're leaving anyway. There were two of us there she was addressing, and my other cousin was all game for it, but I was hesitant. My situation was different and more complicated. It came so easy to say, but the process would literally take a miracle.


I remember last semester, where I was so eager to finally finish because that meant saying 'goodbye' to school for quite a while. And judging from the time I've spent working for Groupon, I wasn't ready to go back. I'm not prepared on so many levels: financially, mentally, spiritually, maybe even emotionally. But the desire was there, and I don't think God would place that desire in my heart for nothing, all the more place me there at the right place, at the right time when my aunt had that conversation with me and my cousin. To emphasize the point, my quiet time for that day also had to do about leaving behind the things you worry about and laying it in front of the Cross of Christ, to allow Him to handle my plans, because they we're His plans in the first place. For me not to find my security in everyday things, but to learn to let them go because to say that things were impossible was like mocking my awesome God, a master of making impossible things possible, as if to say hindi Niya magagawa, at least not for me, He wouldn't.


So I prayed. I told my Daddy that if it was really His hand upon everything, He would help work everything out. Beginning with money, and not just paying my tuition in full, but also with everyday baon and pamasahe/gas money. Next with my schedule -- to have no conflicts, to get me, especially, a thesis class, which I wasn't able to pre-enlist for the year before, mind you (since at the time I was sincerely convinced on leaving already) nor talk to anyone for a group; to also be able to get a rest day and have a sched that was "easy to work with" -- I didn't mind the profs, I'll take whoever God allows me to take, I know I don't have that luxury anywhoo, since I'm enrolling late; and of course to still be able to join carpool, and maybe, hopefully still even get to earn a few bucks just on the side.


The reason why my list is so extensive and complicated is not because i'm trying to make things harder for myself, but sincerely because I'm allowing God to walk me through this journey. Bing reminded me of Genesis 24, when the servant came to find a wife for his master, Isaac, he didn't return home until all of God's standards were met, which is the same thing I'm challenged to do. I don't want to go back to school until Jesus has provided me all the signs that He's in control. Not that I don't trust Him. Quite the opposite, I really really do, and I believe He will come through for me and give me His best no matter how things turn out. I'm learning to change my heart to become more like His: to want what He wants, and hate what He hates, to see things as valuable or unimportant through His eyes. I'm also learning more of His immense love for me. Not to doubt that He can do things for me -- not in the way that makes me abusive or anything, but simply because He can and He loves me. He rose the dead for Mary and Martha because they believed, He made a saint out of Saul, who became Paul -- so why can't I grasp the fact that He can do something as small as send me to college?


In the span of two days, here I am, still standing but by the grace of God: fully enrolled as a senior in my beloved school, Ateneo. My dad's good friend sponsored my education and paid in full - including money for my baon and gas money for carpool, which I have already spoken to the heads, and I'm good to go for next week. My schedule couldn't be more than great -- it's exactly the way I wanted it, I don't even have class on Fridays. I was even able to pick a prof for a certain subject. I also, thankfully have a thesis class and groupmates. I have yet to speak to my boss about my gameplan and my desire to work even as a part-time or freelance writer... But by the rate everything is going, my heart remains hopeful. No matter how things turn out, I know God's got my back and won't let me down. Nothing about my situation has changed. I'm still leaving for the US someday, I don't know when. But my trust in Him has strengthened. I have changed. If you're reading this and your stuck in a situation wherein you don't understand or you're next move is a blurr, might I challenge you to lay it before His Feet? Tell Jesus your desires. Allow Him to break them and mold them to something beautiful. Charam.

guess it's time to hit the books again!

I'm with you all the way and so is He,
<3 Deb