No God's Best: Of Lists and Limits

RECAP
Last week, I started on a series called "No God's Best" which aims to redirect Christian efforts when it comes to finding a potential life partner. My previous post talked about not trying to find validation via the world's external standards, or worse - delude ourselves by creating confirmation that isn't there, especially when done via our own extra-biblical means.

I say extra-biblical since the Bible has no specific guidelines on dating itself, but it does give us wisdom on how to seek God's will, or how to be a godly man and woman. (See: Ephesians 5:15, Hebrews 1:1-3, Titus 2:11-13, Proverbs 31, I could go on) Usually, what people tend to do with this information is write them all down in curated lists and hope & pray that they find someone who gets to tick every single item on it. Today we'll talk about how this kind of thinking can be dangerous for anyone who is looking to get into a relationship.


MORE HARM THAN GOOD
Here's the thing. I love lists. I love making plans and writing them down. I love organizing things into categories. You'll see this in the way I constantly carry around a planner with me, no matter where I go. You'll see it when you follow me on Pinterest (shameless plug) and notice my ever growing number of boards. You'll see it in the way I have all these links to Buzzfeed listicles saved in my browser. (Facebook algorithims has probably figured that out about me, because I seem to get a new list every day haha.)

I have lists for things I want to buy. I have lists for books I want to read. I have a list for blog topics I've been meaning to write about. I even have this list of people I want to invite to my future wedding! (haha shhh) I'm probably starting to sound like Ariel from The Little Mermaid to you.

("You want thingamabobs? I've got twenty! But who cares, no big deal - I want more!")

But of all the lists I've made, the one I've promised myself never to revisit again is the one I mentioned previously - "The List" that enumerates the qualities I want in my future husband. I did this because I realized that while having a set of standards is good (and everyone should have them), keeping score of things I want to see in a potential life partner tends to invite more damage than helps me avoid it.

I actually used to have one of those. I remember making one after I heard someone share her story of how she met her husband. This lady mentioned that having come from a background of numerous failed relationships, she committed her life to Jesus and created a list of qualities she wanted her future husband to have. She prayed over the list regularly and never settled for any guy who expressed interest, no matter how godly he seemed. Eventually, the Lord was able to lead her to the man she was to marry.

It's a wonderful testimony of a life that was once rebellious, but now fully surrendered and committed to Christ. But when I was younger, that was not what I got from the story. That's not what a lot of young, single people understood from it actually - because pretty soon, everyone was making their own Lists. And as The Lists grew, trust in God dwindled.

It wasn't long before The List was no longer just a tool for setting standards for one's self. They became checklists, and a set of dogma to strictly adhere to. Anyone who didn't make the cut was discounted, which led to a lot of hurt feelings. So instead of living in humble submission to God, The List limited our view of Him because those became the sole basis of what people would consider as "God's Best".

Not only that, but even within the season of dating, The List would be a constant source of frustration. When anyone in the relationship didn't meet the standard, The List would be [subconsciously] used against that person. Failing to meet expectations would serve as deal breakers rather than opportunities to exercise grace and forgiveness towards another sinner.


THE GOSPEL RESOLUTION
See, our lists are limiting in the sense that we leave no room for the Lord's grace to work in that person's life. What we want, and what we often look for in our God's Bests are finished masterpieces, and yet all we have on this side of glory are works in progress. Grace frees us from these things because we realize that we, too, are in that same boat. We need grace. We need the gospel. We need it not just for the person we want to date (or are currently dating), but to prepare ourselves for that person too.

We already know that there is never a time that we will actually "be ready" to date or a "right time" to get married. As sinners, we will never measure up to the standards that even we hold ourselves to. But everyone knows that. And everyone also knows that we can tend to wave that around as a sorry excuse to be horrible people. What matters is if the gospel has worked in us enough so that we are challenged by the Holy Spirit to change, all the while extending grace towards others even when they don't. So let it be that when we do create our Lists, we must first be strict about seeing ourselves adhere to those standards. Not impose those on other people. Because whether we like to admit it or not, we don't just make lists for potential spouses. We make others just like it for different people too: for friends, for parents, for siblings, for cousins, ad nauseum. And when those people fail to meet our expectations (and they will), it's not going to be as easy as writing them out of our lives simply because we "won't settle for anything less".

Again, I want to stress that lists in and of itself are not inherently bad. There's nothing wrong with having certain qualities to look out for in a potential spouse. It definitely worked for some people. But not all stories turn out the same way. In the end, we must remember that no matter how long, or how specific our lists could get - we must always leave room for the gospel to grow in a person's life. "God's Best" will always find itself in who Jesus is in the here and now. So we must learn to look at other's best qualities or imperfections with the eyes of True Love, rather than a set of boxes to check.

RESOURCES

As promised, I have a fresh set of books and links to articles I recommend:

Articles

(On dating) Tim Challies: https://www.challies.com/articles/5-ways-to-ruin-a-perfectly-good-dating-relationship

What to Look For in a Spouse, by Alistair Begg (Bonus recommendation of his book on the page!): http://blog.truthforlife.org/what-to-look-for-in-a-spouse

(On choosing who to marry) : http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/does-god-tell-us-who-to-marry -- too timely! It's like someone at Desiring God knows me or something (lol who am I kidding)

(On Marriage) : http://www.desiringgod.org/did-i-marry-the-right-person


Books

This Momentary Marriage - John Piper
I haven't come around to reading this yet, but a couple of friends of mine have gone through it [Thanks John and Tahnee!] and highly recommend it. I have a copy of it on my iBook Library, so I'll let you guys know how that goes

UPDATE (Sept 10, 2017):

Not Yet Married - Marshal Segal
Bought this one quite recently and I'm just about done with it. Thoroughly enjoying it and I appreciate how a good chunk of the book is really directed towards single/not-yet-married people before it moves on to the dating portion. It talks about everything - from making good use of your time, social media, connecting to a church, work, and even breaks down unrealistic/lofty dreams for marriage that might be our secret idols. But most importantly, it's a dating book for non-dating people that is gospel-centered and helps readers see the depth and beauty behind "blessed singleness". 

Blessings,
D