The Ghost Of Relationship Past

photo by Toa Heftiba

Tell me what hurts more? To realize the loss of a past friendship that has died overtime, or to suddenly lose someone close to you in the present without reason? Neither situations are ideal, because as human beings, we need things to make sense in our lives. But at the same time, because we are human beings, we need to understand that these absurdities are natural occurrences. Change is inevitable, after all. There will be moments when adjustments will be made in attitudes or latitudes, and those things will be beyond our control.

TIME CAN NEVER MEND

It always got me curious to think how some people were able to move on faster than others. For example, people told me that it took them years before they could get over their ex-boyfriend. But in my case, I only took several months (My ex probably much shorter - I don't say that out of spite, only as case in point). Much like everyone else, I used to think that "time heals all wounds" - but not anymore. Whoever said that probably doesn't understand the human heart. People heal differently. Some wounds cut so deep that no amount of time can ever recover from the damage. While others find themselves back on their feet in a matter of days.  When it comes to healing heartache, I no longer believe that time is a factor. I think being able to move on is a matter of choice: some people are just able to accept the changes and make those decisions quickly, and some more slowly. So the decision to accept change isn't a matter of time. It's a matter of courage.

BE BRAVE LITTLE ONE

Because here's the reality: when does life ever go our way? We seem to easily accept this truth when it comes to changes in career, residence, or lifestyle. But not so with relationships. When a friendship goes south, regardless of the reason (or lack thereof), we tend to grow bitter and question ourselves. (Was it something I did? Was it something I said? Is something wrong with me?) We fail to recognize that some people are in our lives for a season, and things eventually will change.

Until we fully learn to accept these changes, we'll constantly be mourning the loss of what was and what could have been. And that's an unhealthy place to be in - because you'll never learn to appreciate what you have now and will only end up counting more losses than gains. No matter how much you wish for your old friendships back, they will never come back to you the same way ever again. So be thankful for your past, but don't live in it. King Solomon said it best:

"Say not, “Why were the former days better than these?” For it is not from wisdom that you ask this."

Ecclesiastes 7:10

Not all nostalgia is wrong. I'm not telling you to forget your past - only to look at it from the right lens. There was a reason those people were in your life for that particular time. Honor their memory by learning and growing from that experience. Stop feeling sorry that you can never relive the time you spent with them. There's a word in Filipino that I can't seem to translate in English - Hinayang. It's the guilty feeling you get when you've already invested in something, so you can't seem to let it go. Sure, it's easier to recall the happier times you've had in the past, but when your life and worth hang in the balance, to dwell on things of old would be foolish. It forgets your present - it makes you blind to see how far you've come and what it's taken to get you there. And if you refuse to live for today, how can you make it to tomorrow?

Don't let yourself be haunted by the ghost of Relationship Past. Whether it was a friendship that spanned 20 years, or if you've only known someone for 2 - the quantity of time you've known a person doesn't dictate quality. It would be unfair of us to judge the weight of our friendships based on that.

So cherish the relationships you have today. Be brave and move forward. People will walk in and out of your life more often than you think; we're all just passersby on this earth anyhow. Be thankful for the ones that have stayed and learn from those who have moved on without you. Time stops for no one, so make the most of what you have with the people you know now because you'll never know what you've got until it's gone.