Counting The Cost - A Reflection on Friendships and What It Means To Follow Jesus
A couple of weeks ago, I spent some time catching up with two of my best friends from childhood. It almost felt as if we were back in 2002 - times were simpler back then. Simple fun, simple joys, simple problems, even simpler arguments. I remember the moments when we had our differences, and laugh at the thought of how petty they were. And yet those were the experiences that turned our friendship into what it is today - we've come so far.
Spending time with them gave me a moment to think about my current friendships, and it dawned on me that I have nothing quite like the ones I used to have, once upon a time. I've made quite a few friends since moving here to the United States from the Philippines, mind you. But none close enough to bug them on weekends, or show up to their house unannounced. And most definitely not enough to make an effort to reconcile with them after a disagreement. I found myself longing for that level of companionship and trust, and realized that those kinds of friends are hard to come by these days.
ASSESSING THE SITUATION
What probably made me great friends with such people wasn't because we lacked in any sort of conflict. On the contrary, we endured conflict together. Our bonds of friendship grew stronger whenever they were put to the test, and so when our storms came and those cords were tested once more, we knew how to navigate through them properly.
My current dilemma is that no one in my life would go out of their way to do that for me anymore. And I'm finding that this problem is not unique to me at all. Nowadays, there are so many people who would much rather write someone out of their life than deal with a difficult person. I've heard others express how they prefer removing "negative people" from their lives, and how they feel that those actions are like a service to society because they're staying "authentic" and respect themselves. On the other hand, I've also watched people, often young girls, cry and struggle with anxiety because they feel like they aren't accepted enough or want belong to a certain group of friends. I am definitely no stranger to both of those experiences.
IT'S NEVER EASY
I wish we never had to feel pain when met with those circumstances, but hey - we're human. Falling out is never easy. Whether it was intentional or gradual, experiences like that tend to make one question their worth and identity. "What did I do wrong? What could I have done better?" These are healthy questions, but if we try to search for answers in the wrong places, all that will brew is regret and resentment.
As someone who has been on both the giving and receiving end of this tragedy, today I will try to shed some light on this in hopes that it will help someone know where to start looking for answers.
1. For The Friend
When I was younger, someone once told me that "Jesus showed us that it was more important for God to be loving, than it was to be right." - and I find that to be true - but with certain restrictions.
Now, let's get one things straight: I am not against love.
God is love. Love of the highest kind is something only He can do. And that is the kind of love i'm trying to find and imitate. God is all about love, but He never gave up his "rightness" - His holiness for it. In the same way, we must be loving. But we must love without compromise, especially towards our fellow believers.
Jesus' love for His disciples, for example, went way beyond providing for them, performing miracles or being there for big occasions. It wasn't superficial. It wasn't tolerant either - His love for them was more than just accepting them for "who they were" (fishermen, tax collectors, outcasts of society). He loved them by teaching them what was right: training them in righteousness, and modelling it for them.
Think about the garden. (Matthew 26:36-46) Jesus took His disciples with Him to pray there before He was taken away to be crucified. He was filled with anguish. If there was any time Jesus needed comfort the most, it would have probably been this one. He asked them to pray and watch Him. But they fell asleep. Upon finding them, He didn't just shrug it off and said "ah well, you must have been tired.. If that's what you really wanted to do." No, he took time to tell them what they should have done. "Watch and pray -- " He wasn't just saying that because He was upset and mostly scolding them. He was saying it out of His love for them - "Watch and pray so you will not fall into temptation."
However, as humans we know full well that the truth won't always be received with warmth and favor. Especially if the person you're sharing that with does not share your faith or convictions. If you have a friend in your life who often seems to differ in opinion and have different beliefs as you; or perhaps he/she is growing as a believer at a slower pace than you are, this is the moment we apply forgiving grace.
Forgiving grace reminds us that because we have also been extended forgiveness, that doesn't give us the authority to "lord it over" other people.
This goes back to the point made above. But mind you, being gracious doesn't mean we never speak up at all. What I'm finding is that the principle above is often mistaken with that saying going around that says: "Just because someone sins differently than you doesn't mean you should judge them." There's a danger in holding on to that kind of philosophy. Sin is sin, and if we are to truly love one another, we would be desperately trying to plead with each other to stop living that way and work to have our friend be reconciled to God. Having convictions is not a sin, the problem is when people use conviction as an excuse to carry on in their sin. And I think it's the main reason why people are so offended these days if you actually have convictions.
The bottom line is, that people are bound to get offended for the things you say and do. But don't allow yourself to get caught doing such things without love and grace. We were never called to "not judge" other believers, we were told to not do so hypocritically. If they hate you because you say the right things out of spite and contempt, then you couldn't really blame them - and you should change.
2. For The Unfriended
I'll be speaking out of two (2) different contexts for this portion:
Believer to Non-believer
If we find ourselves mourning over our lost friendships with an unbeliever, it would be good for us to take a step back and assess how we got there. If the cause of the split was due to a difference in principle, let us find our comfort in Scripture which reminds us that we were never supposed to seek friendship with the world in the first place (James 4:4).
Social media doesn't make this any harder. It's so easy for someone to just write a person out of their life with the click of a button. I'm not claiming that it's the root of the problem, but it certainly has brought it to new heights. These days, you're nothing (or no one) without the number of followers or friends you have on a page.
Coincidentally, I just went through something like this - someone unfriended me on facebook. I don't have an app to monitor who leaves my list. But one day, when an old friend popped up in my mind, I decided to visit her profile to see how she was doing, only to realize we were no longer "friends". I was surprised of course. I started to think - what did I do? How long ago have we not been friends? I haven't spoken to this person in years - in fact, I rarely interacted with her. But what could I have done or possibly said online that would make her want to no longer be associated with me?
If you're a faithful believer who has been walking in the Lord for some time now, you will know this feeling all too well. We will often face rejection of every kind - whether someone blatantly scoffs or mocks you, or perhaps more common are experiences like mine - someone slowly fades away, silently in the background, never to see or hear from you again, never wanting anything to do with you from now on.
While we must try our best to remain at peace with all men (Romans 12:18; Hebrews 12:14), it also should come as no surprise if the world rejects and despises us, because the One we follow was rejected and despised even more. (Isaiah 53:3)
Believer to Believer
Probably even more painful than being rejected by someone outside of the church is the rejection of the people from within. Nothing stings more than being told by people who you've done life with and served with; or to hear from those who belong to your covenant community that they no longer want anything to do with you.
What's even more sad is that this takes place way more times than it probably should in the church.
Going back to the experience I shared above, it hurt me even more to know that the person who had chosen to disassociate with me used to go to the same church as I did. I no longer am sure if she continues to walk in the faith today. But it's definitely a different feeling when you think about how someone you once grew up and served with before decided that you were no longer worth their time and affection. It's one thing to be ignored or avoided by an acquaintance, it's another when someone "unfriends" you since it's clearly trying to send a message.
Needless to say, I was so confused. I can't tell you how tempting it was to use Scripture to confront this person. After all, as a fellow believer (or at least a former one) shouldn't she know any better? I was bitter and angry. But God in His mercy, reminded me how to respond in the form of Psalm 119:9:
"How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to Your Word."
It was a good heart check. I took some time to self-examine myself and see if at any point I had been a jerk to her, and possibly a jerk to other people. I couldn't recall any specific incident, but perhaps the whole point of loving others the way Christ loved us is to never look for the times that people wronged us. While the world demands fairness, Jesus teaches us to forsake ourselves. And so in this case, I guess it's okay to be more loving than to be right.
THE COST OF DISCIPLESHIP
I love this line from Laura Story's song called Blessings:
So while we wait, this is what we must consider. Someone, somewhere, at some point in your life will hate you. After all, it's been said we really can't please everybody. And because people are constantly growing - growing up, and growing out of things; tastes, opinions, and seasons are bound to change. People will fall away not just from the faith, but all too often, from your life as well. This is the cost of following Christ.
When it does happen, let it not be said of you that you were rejected because you were a jerk, or a terrible friend. Let it be because you stood your ground, held fast to your convictions and were immovable in your faith. Never because you were mean-spirited, or acted harshly, and curt in speech. It really is possible to do one without the other, so balance is key.
If your passions and principles offend them, that is on them. But if your attitude offends them, that is on you.
Spending time with them gave me a moment to think about my current friendships, and it dawned on me that I have nothing quite like the ones I used to have, once upon a time. I've made quite a few friends since moving here to the United States from the Philippines, mind you. But none close enough to bug them on weekends, or show up to their house unannounced. And most definitely not enough to make an effort to reconcile with them after a disagreement. I found myself longing for that level of companionship and trust, and realized that those kinds of friends are hard to come by these days.
ASSESSING THE SITUATION
What probably made me great friends with such people wasn't because we lacked in any sort of conflict. On the contrary, we endured conflict together. Our bonds of friendship grew stronger whenever they were put to the test, and so when our storms came and those cords were tested once more, we knew how to navigate through them properly.
My current dilemma is that no one in my life would go out of their way to do that for me anymore. And I'm finding that this problem is not unique to me at all. Nowadays, there are so many people who would much rather write someone out of their life than deal with a difficult person. I've heard others express how they prefer removing "negative people" from their lives, and how they feel that those actions are like a service to society because they're staying "authentic" and respect themselves. On the other hand, I've also watched people, often young girls, cry and struggle with anxiety because they feel like they aren't accepted enough or want belong to a certain group of friends. I am definitely no stranger to both of those experiences.
IT'S NEVER EASY
I wish we never had to feel pain when met with those circumstances, but hey - we're human. Falling out is never easy. Whether it was intentional or gradual, experiences like that tend to make one question their worth and identity. "What did I do wrong? What could I have done better?" These are healthy questions, but if we try to search for answers in the wrong places, all that will brew is regret and resentment.
As someone who has been on both the giving and receiving end of this tragedy, today I will try to shed some light on this in hopes that it will help someone know where to start looking for answers.
1. For The Friend
When I was younger, someone once told me that "Jesus showed us that it was more important for God to be loving, than it was to be right." - and I find that to be true - but with certain restrictions.
Now, let's get one things straight: I am not against love.
God is love. Love of the highest kind is something only He can do. And that is the kind of love i'm trying to find and imitate. God is all about love, but He never gave up his "rightness" - His holiness for it. In the same way, we must be loving. But we must love without compromise, especially towards our fellow believers.
Jesus' love for His disciples, for example, went way beyond providing for them, performing miracles or being there for big occasions. It wasn't superficial. It wasn't tolerant either - His love for them was more than just accepting them for "who they were" (fishermen, tax collectors, outcasts of society). He loved them by teaching them what was right: training them in righteousness, and modelling it for them.
Think about the garden. (Matthew 26:36-46) Jesus took His disciples with Him to pray there before He was taken away to be crucified. He was filled with anguish. If there was any time Jesus needed comfort the most, it would have probably been this one. He asked them to pray and watch Him. But they fell asleep. Upon finding them, He didn't just shrug it off and said "ah well, you must have been tired.. If that's what you really wanted to do." No, he took time to tell them what they should have done. "Watch and pray -- " He wasn't just saying that because He was upset and mostly scolding them. He was saying it out of His love for them - "Watch and pray so you will not fall into temptation."
Sometimes, the most loving thing we can do for a person is to tell them the Truth.
However, as humans we know full well that the truth won't always be received with warmth and favor. Especially if the person you're sharing that with does not share your faith or convictions. If you have a friend in your life who often seems to differ in opinion and have different beliefs as you; or perhaps he/she is growing as a believer at a slower pace than you are, this is the moment we apply forgiving grace.
Forgiving grace reminds us that because we have also been extended forgiveness, that doesn't give us the authority to "lord it over" other people.
This goes back to the point made above. But mind you, being gracious doesn't mean we never speak up at all. What I'm finding is that the principle above is often mistaken with that saying going around that says: "Just because someone sins differently than you doesn't mean you should judge them." There's a danger in holding on to that kind of philosophy. Sin is sin, and if we are to truly love one another, we would be desperately trying to plead with each other to stop living that way and work to have our friend be reconciled to God. Having convictions is not a sin, the problem is when people use conviction as an excuse to carry on in their sin. And I think it's the main reason why people are so offended these days if you actually have convictions.
The bottom line is, that people are bound to get offended for the things you say and do. But don't allow yourself to get caught doing such things without love and grace. We were never called to "not judge" other believers, we were told to not do so hypocritically. If they hate you because you say the right things out of spite and contempt, then you couldn't really blame them - and you should change.
2. For The Unfriended
I'll be speaking out of two (2) different contexts for this portion:
Believer to Non-believer
If we find ourselves mourning over our lost friendships with an unbeliever, it would be good for us to take a step back and assess how we got there. If the cause of the split was due to a difference in principle, let us find our comfort in Scripture which reminds us that we were never supposed to seek friendship with the world in the first place (James 4:4).
Social media doesn't make this any harder. It's so easy for someone to just write a person out of their life with the click of a button. I'm not claiming that it's the root of the problem, but it certainly has brought it to new heights. These days, you're nothing (or no one) without the number of followers or friends you have on a page.
Coincidentally, I just went through something like this - someone unfriended me on facebook. I don't have an app to monitor who leaves my list. But one day, when an old friend popped up in my mind, I decided to visit her profile to see how she was doing, only to realize we were no longer "friends". I was surprised of course. I started to think - what did I do? How long ago have we not been friends? I haven't spoken to this person in years - in fact, I rarely interacted with her. But what could I have done or possibly said online that would make her want to no longer be associated with me?
If you're a faithful believer who has been walking in the Lord for some time now, you will know this feeling all too well. We will often face rejection of every kind - whether someone blatantly scoffs or mocks you, or perhaps more common are experiences like mine - someone slowly fades away, silently in the background, never to see or hear from you again, never wanting anything to do with you from now on.
While we must try our best to remain at peace with all men (Romans 12:18; Hebrews 12:14), it also should come as no surprise if the world rejects and despises us, because the One we follow was rejected and despised even more. (Isaiah 53:3)
Believer to Believer
Probably even more painful than being rejected by someone outside of the church is the rejection of the people from within. Nothing stings more than being told by people who you've done life with and served with; or to hear from those who belong to your covenant community that they no longer want anything to do with you.
What's even more sad is that this takes place way more times than it probably should in the church.
Going back to the experience I shared above, it hurt me even more to know that the person who had chosen to disassociate with me used to go to the same church as I did. I no longer am sure if she continues to walk in the faith today. But it's definitely a different feeling when you think about how someone you once grew up and served with before decided that you were no longer worth their time and affection. It's one thing to be ignored or avoided by an acquaintance, it's another when someone "unfriends" you since it's clearly trying to send a message.
Needless to say, I was so confused. I can't tell you how tempting it was to use Scripture to confront this person. After all, as a fellow believer (or at least a former one) shouldn't she know any better? I was bitter and angry. But God in His mercy, reminded me how to respond in the form of Psalm 119:9:
"How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to Your Word."
It was a good heart check. I took some time to self-examine myself and see if at any point I had been a jerk to her, and possibly a jerk to other people. I couldn't recall any specific incident, but perhaps the whole point of loving others the way Christ loved us is to never look for the times that people wronged us. While the world demands fairness, Jesus teaches us to forsake ourselves. And so in this case, I guess it's okay to be more loving than to be right.
THE COST OF DISCIPLESHIP
I love this line from Laura Story's song called Blessings:
"When friends betray us;
When darkness seems to win ,
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home."Living a life that seeks to follow Christ and do His will can sometimes get really lonely. But what a comfort it is to remember that when we don't understand the circumstances surrounding us, there is a greater reward waiting for those who continue to move forward in obedience to Him!
So while we wait, this is what we must consider. Someone, somewhere, at some point in your life will hate you. After all, it's been said we really can't please everybody. And because people are constantly growing - growing up, and growing out of things; tastes, opinions, and seasons are bound to change. People will fall away not just from the faith, but all too often, from your life as well. This is the cost of following Christ.
When it does happen, let it not be said of you that you were rejected because you were a jerk, or a terrible friend. Let it be because you stood your ground, held fast to your convictions and were immovable in your faith. Never because you were mean-spirited, or acted harshly, and curt in speech. It really is possible to do one without the other, so balance is key.
If your passions and principles offend them, that is on them. But if your attitude offends them, that is on you.
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