No God's Best: You Don't Know What You're Asking For

I was supposed to be closing out this series with one final post, but through an interesting turn of events, another idea popped up that I thought would be appropriate for the theme. And it all started with this saying:

"Find a partner who loves Jesus more than he/she loves you."

I've heard this said many times in the past, and the phrase has certainly made the rounds. I came across it again some time ago when a friend shared it as one of those artsy quotes - you know, the ones with the filtered photo, with hipster-esque type - on social media. And even more recently, I heard another close friend bring it up in casual conversation when she was asked what she looked for in a "godly man".

Granted, I do believe that these folks were sincere when they expressed these words. Most Christians I know want to spend the rest of their lives with someone who shares their faith. But a quick glance at most Christians' lifestyles might reveal something quite staggering: people have no clue as to what "loving Jesus more than loving you" actually looks like.

And do you want to know why?

It's because all too often, they themselves don't know how to live that out. After all, we are creatures of autonomy. Selfish, conceited, and always out for our own personal gain. We only love Jesus when it's convenient and feels good. We only pray when we're in trouble. So naturally, most of us are only able to keep an eye out for a fellow who mirrors that kind of life. Does he/she go to church enough? Does he/she sing unashamedly during praise and worship time? Has he/she gotten baptized? Does he/she do his/her quiet time? We think that if a person does enough of those things, we can appropriately label them as a Christian. But Scripture tells us that these external, albeit important, disciplines are not indicators of saving faith. They most certainly can help believers grow and mature, but these are not the evidences of that maturity.

"This people honors Me with their lips, but their heart is far from Me. They worship me in vain, teaching as doctrines human commands."

 - Matthew 15:8-9

Jesus, quoting from Isaiah, is saying here that no matter how morally upright we think we are by all the things we do in the name of the church, or in the name of God - it's possible to still have a heart that remains hostile towards Him. A mind that does not understand Him nor even seeks Him. In short, just because you go to church, doesn't necessarily make you a Christian.

MANAGING EXPECTATIONS

So what does a godly man/woman look like? What does it actually mean to love Jesus more than we love anything or anyone else? Here are three (3) lessons I've picked up from Scripture, as well as by spending time with other believers:

1. He/She will change significantly - and it's not because of you.

There are 2 important words that I would like for us to remember today: repentance and obedience. If you can't even recall all of the other things I mention in this post today, just keeping those two words close to you will grant me joy. A Christian is not marked by how much he loves, or how kind and accepting she is. According to Jesus, a Christian is marked by a life of constant obedience.

"If you love Me, you will keep my commandments" 

John 14:15

And a truly godly believer knows that since he/she cannot keep those commands perfectly, you will constantly find this person humbly repenting before the Lord, along with a solid effort to always do better than they did before, heavily relying on the Holy Spirit.

When a person lives like that, one will notice that their lifestyle and choices will drastically change. Things that might not have seemed like a big deal before will all of a sudden be avoided. And some might laugh at them, or think it strange; others could say that it's a sign of immaturity. But on the contrary, this is all actually in part of the process called SANCTIFICATION.

This process isn't just some sort of behavior modification. Because aside from putting aside old ways, you will start to see them developing new attitudes, new principles, new desires - and a totally new lifestyle. As Romans 12:2 puts it - they cease conforming to the world, and start to show a transformation. This development is not brought about by their own will, but instead is a result of their willful submission to the Lord. Therefore, if we want to spend the rest of our lives with someone who loves Jesus more than they love us, learn to look for the ones who are first willing to cast everything aside regardless of public opinion, or personal satisfaction in order to please Jesus first.

2. Their love is true.

Not true - as in, the opposite of false. But straight, upright, and good. In Paul's most quoted verse on love found in 1 Corinthians 13, we read:

"[Love] does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 

(v. 5-7)

This means that they would always be willing to stand up for what's right. A godly man/woman is not afraid to enter into difficult conversations with you and tell you like it is. Even when you're wrong, and that could mean hurting your feelings. But they do so gently, and full of grace. What dictates that is their belief in the power and authority of Scripture. 

It might be hard to see this immediately in a person, especially when you're only admiring them from afar and haven't built a deeper relationship with them. So how do you know if one is capable of loving truly? Watch how they disagree with someone else. Do they respond humbly during rebuke - regardless if they're the giver or receiver? Or perhaps you notice that they're more prone to quietly tolerate something they disagree with, or give in to peer pressure, rather than speak the truth in love? A godly lady would want a man who is firmly planted in the Lord because she is confident that he can lead her in the right direction as they journey through life. She trusts he will care for her and won't manipulate or demean her. And a godly man would want a lady who submits herself to the Lord so that he can be confident in finding a partner who would help and come alongside him in years to come. He is assured of her respect and knows that she's not just tolerating him. 

3. He/She will be jealous for your time with God, just as much as they are for their time with you.

He/she loves you enough to want to see you grow and mature in Him. Because they understand that you belong to your Maker first, and it is their joy to see you chasing after Him with zeal. A person who loves God more than you will be actively making time to sit at Jesus' feet - and they will also be pushing (encouraging) you to do the same.

That means time spent on the phone late at night will be traded for nights of  reading, or wrestling with the Lord in prayer. Or perhaps it could mean getting less one-on-one time, but going out on more group dates. If you're fortunate, it'll usually be a double date with some friends or an older couple who could disciple you and have accountability with.

There will definitely be a time for the two of you to enjoy each other - but that time is reserved for after the vows have been said. Be wary of a person who would much rather keep you to him/herself, over seeing you flourish under the providential care of God. He makes all things beautiful in His time, so there's no need to rush.

Of course this goes both ways too. So if you find yourself getting upset because the person you like/your significant other spends more time in church, or doing their quiet time, or in the fellowship of other believers - that might be an indication of a sin hidden deep in your heart. Uproot it before it causes you any damage.

PARTING WORDS

I understand that these qualities I mentioned are rare and fleeting in the day and age we live in. It's one thing to be interested in someone who isn't a believer - because it's easier to draw the line that way. But it's another thing to be interested in someone who claims to share the same faith as you, and yet lives a completely different life. This is why I felt the need to address this today. We tell ourselves we want to end up in covenant with someone who passionately pursues Christ, and yet we ourselves don't put that into practice.

In the first place, one has to wonder why we have more propensity to call someone who doesn't consistently walk in Christ a Believer (just because he/she goes to church), rather than an unbeliever? But that's another can of worms on it's own, and I won't open them up here today. 

I'm realizing more and more that being unequally yoked with someone can also sometimes apply even to two professing believers, and that happens when one is walking and maturing in Christ, while the other is not. So when you find someone who starts displaying some of the qualities mentioned above, here are some things to consider:

a. Make sure you have these, too, first. Before you go take out your handy-dandy notepad and start making another list out of this article, check to see if these things could be said about you. Like I mentioned in my previous post, before we can go out there and hold other people up to these standards, we must be sure that we're applying them first. Matthew 7 says to "judge not" - but that's not where it ends. It's says to not judge hypocritically. 

b. It will hurt, sometimes. (But it also doesn't have to) When you spend time with someone who is being sanctified by the Holy Spirit, it will bring pain and frustration. But only and especially when you're fighting against it. Our fleshly and worldly desires are constantly at war with the Spirit, who is working to mold us more and more into the image of Christ. And that process can be painful because it will mean that we might not be able to partake in the things we used to enjoy, or other people are enjoying. We don't date like the world does anymore. So don't be the person who will hinder that Work for the one you're considering to spend the rest of your life with. Learn to love and accept the correction that comes from Above (Proverbs 12:1), because the Lord only disciplines those whom He loves. (Hebrews 12:6)

c. Spend time with other believers. We can learn a lot from each other. The qualities I listed above were not just seen in one person alone. I saw them in other people too, and it further affirmed the things I wanted to see in my future spouse, and in myself. If you're a single person reading this - the best way for you to find out what being a godly man/woman looks like is if you take time to observe the Christians that God has placed around you. Invest in those relationships with other believers - with both guys AND girls. With people both younger AND older than you. Broaden your horizons, because that's what the church is supposed to do. This is true discipleship.

For those of us currently in relationships, I would say the same and a little more - spending time with other believers also helps protect your relationship because it keeps you accountable. Sometimes it'll be hard to see whether you (and/or your S/O) are growing or not, and the people around you can help in giving you a heads up. Our emotions can often blind us from the truth, but bringing your community into your relationship can keep you grounded.

In the end, the only way to really know if someone we're interested in loves Christ more than you, is if you turn to the Source. God makes things simple for us through His Word, but we make things complicated with superficiality. Thus said, we must allow Scripture to define biblical manhood/womanhood, as well as relationships and marriage for us, and not imply our own definitions on the matter. 

RESOURCES

Books:

I recently heard of a short book by Ray Ortlund called "Marriage and the Mystery of the Gospel" -  I haven't read it yet, but heard it being talked about on one of my favorite radio programs, Family Life Today. 

Sanctification by Michael Riccardi - has been one of the most helpful little books I have ever read. It has greatly deepened my understanding and appreciation of this timeless doctrine on the work of the Holy Spirit. The book is pretty short, so you can practically read it in a day.


--
My last post for this series will be up some time soon. If you've been encouraged by this so far, please feel free to share it with others, as well as let me know your thoughts!

Blessings,
D