28

This was originally intended to be an Instagram caption. I realized it became TL;DR so I decided to publish it here on my blog.

It's been about 3 weeks since I turned 28. And the month is already quickly coming to a close. I know I said in my last post I have people to thank, but honestly life has been moving at what feels like a thousand miles per hour that I haven’t had time to sit down on it.

I’ve been planning to say something about my 28th birthday for weeks and was even thinking of writing a witty caption on it, like I always do. It was fun, by the way. I just didn't know how to put into words all of the emotions I was feeling - celebrating my last birthday as a single woman with my family. My brother leaving for the Navy. And my parents becoming instant "empty nesters" within a short span of 4 months. I wanted to tell "other people" about it but at the same time I didn't. I didn't want it to be some quick blurb that doesn't give you context. I wanted to tell you like how you'd sit down and go through picture albums with your friends back in the 90s and talk about the places you've been, and the things you were feeling at that time. I think i'm really turning into a grandma. And that's fine! Because honestly - I just don’t care anymore. And it feels SO good. So good not to care about content, or promoting. So good to be in the moment, feel all the emotions, and keep my thoughts to myself for self-reflection and prayer.

But I also know life is not meant to be lived alone. Specifically, as a Christian, we're called to fellowship with one another, encourage and build each other up. And that means pouring your life into people, and letting them in. Over the years as I have grown older, I realize I am not very good at that sort of thing. I am so much better at putting on a face and telling people I'm okay or doing great when they ask me how I am. I don't think it's because I don't want to open up, but mainly because I truly have no idea where to start. How to put into words experiences, emotions, and thoughts. Is there something wrong with me for being like that? I've always envied people who could explain themselves eloquently but also succinctly. I tend to ramble and go off in tangents most of the time. Or end up saying something dumb. My fiance is so much better at those kinds of things. But for me, it's something I'm still trying to get better at. I think that was the whole reason why I challenged myself a few years ago to keep a blog. I've definitely fallen behind in the more recent years, but here I am now - giving you my best effort to update you on what's been going on in my life:

I have way less gigs these last couple of months since I’ve been turning them down to make room for my schedule and health. I don’t even think I told a lot of people that a few months ago I had a panic attack right in the middle of a set and managed to power through it, but it was just so hard to step back in. So I purposefully slowed down — I even had to cancel one which was meant for the first half of the month, which I do feel bad about and apologized for, because its with one of my fave places to perform in, and I could really use the extra cash in this EXPENSIVE season of my life. But there was just no way I could move my schedule around without leaving me extremely burned out.

But as I already mentioned, (and as you can probably imagine) my expenses are taking a toll. Truth be told, I need the extra income. But it's so weird and funny that the harder I hustle, the harder it is to come by. Then there's my health again.

But God has been so kind in this particular area of my life. He always miraculously provides just enough and just at the right time. The other week my fiance and I were worrying about his eye treatments - a lot of you know that he suffers from Chronic Dry Eye which doesn't really have a permanent cure, but with all the fires happening, the smog, and the unpredictable weather in LA we decided it was for the best that he does something about it now before we get married.

The only catch was that each session was about $500 each, and he needed to take 4. We honestly didn't have that kind of money to spare unless we took it out from our wedding budget. So we turned to the Lord and to other for help. Honestly, we weren't expecting much. If we had received some extra cash even just for 1 session, we would have been so grateful. But miraculously, people just started giving and we were able to raise money enough for 2 sessions and some meds. For Nate's last two sessions, his company will implement an FSA starting next year which he could apply to his treatment. It sounds unreal, just how things lined up the way they did. But I've seen His Hand move in this way many, many times in my life. Even when I forget and end up doubting. I've seen it enough times for me to suddenly remember that He's there, He's real, and He is always the one behind these blessings.

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I'm grateful to friends and my fiance for helping me "forget not all His benefits" this past week. Honestly, it feels like Psalm 103 was a theme for me this year. Whether it was clinging on to it so desperately for hope because of the challenges I faced, or uttering it in worship because of the small victories this year - I was reminded over, and over, and over again of His faithfulness in the past. And I guess that was what helped me go on "just a little bit more" with each day that passed. I cry when I think about it because I realize how undeserving I am of it all.

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I'm actually almost always crying these days. Sometimes it's really out of frustration because I can't control things in my life. I realized recently that this is my pet sin. It probably stems from a lot of pride, but the symptoms include: fearing the unforeseen future, overthinking to the point of anxiety and insomnia, anger and disappointment when things don't go my way - maybe even finding someone to blame and direct that anger towards. Even things as small as someone cutting me on the freeway get me really upset.

I was convicted by this recently while listening to Alistair Begg on my morning commute. He had been going through a series called "Shaped By Grace", and went over Romans 12.

"If I do not take vengeance into my own hands, but I seek to leave it in the hands of God; then actually, I walk the path that Jesus took. I walk the way of the cross. For it is there that love triumphed over evil. Christ did not think of himself. Christ did not reach out to defend himself. He committed his cause “to him who judges justly"

Providentially, my women's bible study had also been going through the book of Romans. So I know where this context is coming from - talking about the deep depravity of the human heart, our inability to save ourselves, and God's sovereign grace. Suffice to say I was immensely convicted and humbled. If my public confession is that God is ruler over all things, including myself - then I negate that whenever I attempt to take matters into my own hands. I oppose Him greatly when I do not have gratitude in my heart - even for the trials, knowing full well it was also He who ordained them all.

I guess it's pretty timely that I'm thinking about these things around Thanksgiving time. There really is so much to be grateful to the Lord for, even though I am at a stage in my life where I am on the cusp of "young adulthood". It is these feelings of gratitude that ground me for the many transitions I am about to face. Because I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared. Are you kidding me? I am terrified. I've asked every former "bride to be" I know if they have ever felt this way before they got married. Almost all of them said no. Almost all of them told me they were mostly excited to be married.

I walked away from most of those conversations feeling defeated, because I thought something was wrong with me. Because I was thinking maybe I'm not ready after all. But one night, one friend said something profound after I asked her the same question. Which was something like --

"You asked me about before the wedding, but you didn't ask me how I felt after. And to be honest, if these feelings of yours are surfacing now and revealing dormant sins and desires in you that you might have forgotten about, then that's something to be grateful for! Because for me, those happened after we got married, and it made the first year a bit challenging having to learn how to sort that out"

At that point her husband chimed in and asked if Nate had ever shown himself to be unreliable when it came to sharing my burdens when we were dating. (We were on a double date) That was an easy answer - he has never been that way. He has always been so kind, understanding, and caring. He didn't necessarily "fix" my problems for me, but in the Lord's mercy, Nate was always there and gave me the push I needed to face those problems head on. They helped me see that this was what marriage was about. And this is one of the many reasons why most people say it is sanctifying.

It also gave me assurance - which leads me back to point I was trying to make before this story. Every trial my fiance and I have ever faced in our dating stage was always leading up to this. To prepare us to coast through life's waves and storms together. And I guess this is what is keeping me level-headed amidst all the anxiety wedding planning and life transitions are bringing me.

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Now that I've written all of that down and processed my thoughts I feel like I can step into this Thanksgiving season a little more sober-minded. My mind recalls a hymn we sang just this past Sunday to prepare for the holiday. It feels very apt for the posture of my spirit, so I guess I'll just close this blog entry with that.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. And if I don't end up giving another update until the New Year, then an early Merry Christmas & Happy New Year to all.

My heart is filled with thankfulness

To Him who walks beside;

Who floods my weaknesses with strength

And causes fears to fly;

Whose ev’ry promise is enough

For ev’ry step I take,

Sustaining me with arms of love

And crowning me with grace.