I Always Come Back To You

Hello Blogosphere,

I know it's been a while since my last update. A long while. As soon as the New Year hit, everything just happened so fast. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Sometimes I feel like my blogging patterns are a reflection of my current walk with the Lord and the state of my life. I don't want you to think i'm depressed all the time because all you read on this page are sad posts - like in the moments of trial or when I'm in the middle of introspection. But I also really can't blame you if you do think like that. I mean, I'm rarely ever here when things are going really well anyway. 

It might be out of habit. When I was in highschool, blogging was my form of release. Remeber when secret blogs were a thing? (Maybe that was just me) Journaling was fun for a while, but a little too bulky for me - especially since I preferred to keep planners instead. So when I was younger and more naive, I'd pour my heart out on there and talk about my frustrations with school, my parents, my brother, my friends, my (unrequited) love life. It didn't matter to me if no one read it or asked me about it. I just wanted a space to dump out all my thoughts and feelings -- or so I thought. I guess secretly, I wanted someone to read it. Someone to ask me how I am. How I'm coping. I think my old patterns might be why I'm so bad at confessing my sins and struggles with others. Why I'm never good at staying in touch with friends. Why I never know what to actually say when someone makes an effort to reach out to me. Why I can't seem to get into community, even though I long for it and endorse it so much.

One thing I do actually appreciate about this space is that I can always look back on previous posts and see patterns on where I fall, and what things worked to help me get back up again. Of course most of them are by the grace of the Lord, but there's just something about stepping outside of yourself and seeing your own self mature from past experiences. That may well be why I love coming back to this space. This is my way of running to the Lord for refuge, and my own way of being true to myself and my own feelings. There isn't a "layout grid" which colors I need to match. There aren't any hashtags to use so other people can find me. No numbers I need to beat. And most of all, there isn't any "competition" to compare myself to.

That's honestly one of the main reasons why I decided to type this post up, actually. I've recently come to the realization that I've been struggling with the sin of comparison. I've stopped fixing my eyes on the Lord and have turned elsewhere to see my worth and what fulfills me. Absolutely nothing can do that, and the Lord has made that clear by stripping me of almost everything. My job, my music, my church, my friends - heck, even my skin. I keep hoping and praying that things would eventually go back to "the way they were" but if I'm honest, I doubt they ever will. 

There is no going back. But the Lord is teaching me now that there is only forward.

I'm trying to move in a new pace. Much slower than before. Not trying to pick up on old habits that have passed, but attempting to learn new ones. It has been so, so hard. And I have been incredibly frustrated for so long. I look at what the rest of the world is doing; at what my friends are doing and I wonder how they have gotten so far, and I just feel so stuck.

And that's what got me here today. Coming back to this space and trying to process my thoughts. Every line that I type is a silent prayer. Maybe that's why the story of the Prodigal Son made it into Scripture. I know it's a parable but is this how he felt when he was in the mud? "Lord, I do not want to be here any more. Please let me come back to you." 

More than anything, I think I am most grateful for the fact that it is still God who I desire to run back to when I've been brought so low. Some people I know would have walked away by now. But my faith speaks more about Him than it truly does me.

I'll leave it at that for now.

Deb