Excellence In Impermanence
I had been reflecting on the past year for quite some time now. While I am immensely thankful for the many new opportunities and experiences that happened this year - being able to visit the Philippines after being away for 3 years, getting to travel to some parts of the States like Nashville and San Francisco, getting featured on a song that was released on Spotify, and making so many new friends and being in the body of Christ; it feels as though this year was marked also with a significant amount of pain.
Early this year after coming home from the Philippines, I started experiencing really bad anxiety. I can't really explain why, or how - partly because I'm not that ready to talk about it with other people. All I can tell you is that it just crept up on me and I found myself constantly finding it hard to sleep night after night, after night.
I also started breaking out really bad. I'm still finding that hard to accept because my skin has been clear for the past 26 years. I'd get a spot here and there, but it would usually dry up and heal quickly. For me to type this out means that it's been really bad this year. It's the reason why I don't post a lot of "current" pictures and why you'd probably rarely see me have a bare face on. I felt really embarrassed when I'd get on a video call with my friends or my boyfriend because I felt them staring. I got so many questions from family and friends like "What happened to your face?" that made me feel like I wanted to crawl into a hole. I got really insecure about it and it added to my anxiety. The more I got anxious and stressed, the more I broke out. It was a horrible cycle.
There were strained relationships with family. I'm not the type to air out any dirty laundry on the internet so I'll leave it at that. But obviously because family is pretty important to me, suffice to say that this was the most challenging aspect out of everything. Thankfully, the Lord is slowly restoring things in this area of my life. But I'd be lying if I didn't say it took a serious toll on me and my on-going anxiety.
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I felt so so tired this year. Physically, mentally, emotionally. The only reason why I'm able to keep moving and type all of this out today is but by the sheer grace of God. It might sound really cliche, but that's really all I got. In times when I felt it was hard to read my bible and do my devotions, grace came in the form of my Women's Study group having weekly assignments on the Psalms. I was forced to be in the Word even when I didn't feel like it - and it brought great comfort to my soul.
On days when Nate and I felt defeated and lacked assurance, God loved us through His people - the friends we made both in and out of our respective churches. We received a form of brotherly affection and support we have never come across before, and it ministered to us greatly.
...
For the longest time I felt like I was hanging on to Him by a thread. But lately I was inspired to study the book of Philippians in preparation for our study group's next semester. I had been reading for the past couple of days now, but today's passage struck a chord that rang so deep in my heart, I couldn't help but cry:
...
I wept because it felt like I had reached a breakthrough. It was convicting and comforting at the same time. At first my tears were tears of remorse. I felt like I was the one Paul was referring to when he said 'if any of you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you.' I now realize that throughout the year, I had been trying to battle my anxiety with a mere positive outlook and trying to work out the kinks on my own. I was bitter and ungrateful towards my circumstances. In Paul's words - I was trusting in my flesh. And the Lord quickly showed me how useless that was. I was led into situations this year which only He could resolve. It broke me. It made me acknowledge my frailty. I was reminded of my weakness; my sinfulness was revealed. But it also renewed my mind and I was taught to not trust my own strength. The gospel led me to think about Christ's finish work and how His accomplishments - not mine - will eventually lead to a time when pain, suffering, anxiety, and strained relationships will be no more. My hard heart was pierced. My tears changed into tears of joy and I was comforted once more.
So what now? A few years ago, I asked myself: "Even when all else fails, how can I live my life today in view of eternity?" I think it's time to revisit that question, especially since New Year is right around the corner. Most people have the propensity to answer this in one of two ways. One is to either throw all their concerns out the window and live in liberal freedom; the other is to fill their time with activity and do something that would leave them feeling fulfilled. I already tried that last bit, and it didn't quite work out the way I hoped it would. All my efforts only left me frustrated and tired. But Christ's work brings hope and refreshes my heart. Pray for me. I know I have the tendency to forget that more than I care to admit.
Early this year after coming home from the Philippines, I started experiencing really bad anxiety. I can't really explain why, or how - partly because I'm not that ready to talk about it with other people. All I can tell you is that it just crept up on me and I found myself constantly finding it hard to sleep night after night, after night.
I also started breaking out really bad. I'm still finding that hard to accept because my skin has been clear for the past 26 years. I'd get a spot here and there, but it would usually dry up and heal quickly. For me to type this out means that it's been really bad this year. It's the reason why I don't post a lot of "current" pictures and why you'd probably rarely see me have a bare face on. I felt really embarrassed when I'd get on a video call with my friends or my boyfriend because I felt them staring. I got so many questions from family and friends like "What happened to your face?" that made me feel like I wanted to crawl into a hole. I got really insecure about it and it added to my anxiety. The more I got anxious and stressed, the more I broke out. It was a horrible cycle.
There were strained relationships with family. I'm not the type to air out any dirty laundry on the internet so I'll leave it at that. But obviously because family is pretty important to me, suffice to say that this was the most challenging aspect out of everything. Thankfully, the Lord is slowly restoring things in this area of my life. But I'd be lying if I didn't say it took a serious toll on me and my on-going anxiety.
---
I felt so so tired this year. Physically, mentally, emotionally. The only reason why I'm able to keep moving and type all of this out today is but by the sheer grace of God. It might sound really cliche, but that's really all I got. In times when I felt it was hard to read my bible and do my devotions, grace came in the form of my Women's Study group having weekly assignments on the Psalms. I was forced to be in the Word even when I didn't feel like it - and it brought great comfort to my soul.
On days when Nate and I felt defeated and lacked assurance, God loved us through His people - the friends we made both in and out of our respective churches. We received a form of brotherly affection and support we have never come across before, and it ministered to us greatly.
...
For the longest time I felt like I was hanging on to Him by a thread. But lately I was inspired to study the book of Philippians in preparation for our study group's next semester. I had been reading for the past couple of days now, but today's passage struck a chord that rang so deep in my heart, I couldn't help but cry:
"Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. Only let us hold true to what we have attained.
Brothers, join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us. For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things.
Our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform four lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself.
Therefore, my brothers, whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, stand firm thus in the Lord, my beloved." - Philippians 3:13-4:1
...
I wept because it felt like I had reached a breakthrough. It was convicting and comforting at the same time. At first my tears were tears of remorse. I felt like I was the one Paul was referring to when he said 'if any of you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you.' I now realize that throughout the year, I had been trying to battle my anxiety with a mere positive outlook and trying to work out the kinks on my own. I was bitter and ungrateful towards my circumstances. In Paul's words - I was trusting in my flesh. And the Lord quickly showed me how useless that was. I was led into situations this year which only He could resolve. It broke me. It made me acknowledge my frailty. I was reminded of my weakness; my sinfulness was revealed. But it also renewed my mind and I was taught to not trust my own strength. The gospel led me to think about Christ's finish work and how His accomplishments - not mine - will eventually lead to a time when pain, suffering, anxiety, and strained relationships will be no more. My hard heart was pierced. My tears changed into tears of joy and I was comforted once more.
So what now? A few years ago, I asked myself: "Even when all else fails, how can I live my life today in view of eternity?" I think it's time to revisit that question, especially since New Year is right around the corner. Most people have the propensity to answer this in one of two ways. One is to either throw all their concerns out the window and live in liberal freedom; the other is to fill their time with activity and do something that would leave them feeling fulfilled. I already tried that last bit, and it didn't quite work out the way I hoped it would. All my efforts only left me frustrated and tired. But Christ's work brings hope and refreshes my heart. Pray for me. I know I have the tendency to forget that more than I care to admit.
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