Where Is My Sunshine?
September 10 marked the third year since my family and I made the decision to leave our life of comfort in the Philippines and move to the States. The weekend could have been a chance for celebration, but it turned out much differently than I wanted it to.
My third year in America was met with unexpected trial and much pain as one mishap occurred after another. First, my car was side swiped by a driver who wasn't paying attention which caused a huge dent on my side door. And to make matters worse, my car was broken into later that weekend and I had some valuable items stolen, including a few documents with sensitive information on it. It still pains me just to think about it and I can't help but wonder why the Lord was allowing me to endure blow after blow. Today I am at risk of having my identity stolen, and I've been so troubled by it that it's caused me to wake up in a sweat at night due to nightmares.
I'll have to admit that one of the hardest things to do during this time is worship the Lord. I'm more prone to complain and become upset at my situation. From a woman who once looked forward to the opportunities in a new land and hoped for the best, I'm afraid that I'm slowly becoming this resentful little girl who can only look at her current circumstances and sulk, unable to see what lies ahead. I wish I could write a more hopeful blog post today. Maybe something on how you could overcome trials, how to not worry and trust in the Lord. But to do so would make me a hypocrite, as I am still in the process of learning all of these for myself.
What I can tell you is that throughout the week, the words of Job kept running through my head:
"Shall we receive only good from the Lord, and not trouble?" (2:10)
"...the Lord gives and He takes away, blessed be His Name forever." (1:21)
I'm trying to hold on to that for now. Because for the first time in what I would consider such a long time, I was reminded that I am not in control of my circumstances but merely subject to the sovereign will of the Father.
I used to say that brighter days were to come once I moved here to the US. But where are those days now? Somehow I feel like that hope left me when my things were taken from me. And yet my conscience stops me before I even finish the thought. My heart is convicted because I realize that God never promised me those bright days. He does not owe me any pleasures in this world, nor am I able to bring them about by my own effort. I may profess that God is totally sovereign, but at the same time in believing that He is, my heart has become complacent. The irony of it all is that I leaned on Him less and started looking at the good things that were happening in my life as the fruit of my labor. As grateful as I was to the Lord for allowing them to happen, I became confident in my own success.
But my confidence should never stem from my possessions, my skill, or victories. And neither is it defined by my failures or losses. While many things were stolen from me, I am leaning on His promise that my salvation is secure and my worth in Christ is something no one can ever take from me.
As I think about how long I've been living in this country, I must remember that The Lord is wise in His ordinances. His providence is perfect. In other words, will my heart only give thanks when everything is going well, or am I able to still sing praises to Him even in the midst of suffering?
The Truth is, I was never promised a life free from pain or trial, however I was promised that He will be with me through it. That He knows HIS plans for me, not my own plans (Jeremiah 29:11-13); and while He feels righteous indignation everyday because of the wickedness in the world, His mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23) and His grace is enough to see me through (2 Corinthians 12:9). While the wicked carry on in their way seemingly unscathed, one day His justice and holiness will reign and His wrath will be poured out upon them. I seemed to have taken those things for granted over the course of time - only knowing them by head, but failing to understand it by heart. Just earlier this month I was writing about relinquishing dreams and not holding on too tightly to the world - see how quickly the Lord has tested me in that regard! But if this is what it took for Him to remind me and make me learn my lesson, then my tragedy is His blessing towards me and I can only look upon it with a spirit of repentance and gratitude.
My worth is not in what I own
Not in the strength of flesh and bone
But in the costly wounds of love
At the cross
My worth is not in skill or name
In win or lose, in pride or shame
But in the blood of Christ that flowed
At the cross
I rejoice in my Redeemer
Greatest Treasure,
Wellspring of my soul
I will trust in Him, no other.
My soul is satisfied in Him alone.
 |
| This is my city. Photo by Patty Lagera (The Grove, 2016) |
My third year in America was met with unexpected trial and much pain as one mishap occurred after another. First, my car was side swiped by a driver who wasn't paying attention which caused a huge dent on my side door. And to make matters worse, my car was broken into later that weekend and I had some valuable items stolen, including a few documents with sensitive information on it. It still pains me just to think about it and I can't help but wonder why the Lord was allowing me to endure blow after blow. Today I am at risk of having my identity stolen, and I've been so troubled by it that it's caused me to wake up in a sweat at night due to nightmares.
I'll have to admit that one of the hardest things to do during this time is worship the Lord. I'm more prone to complain and become upset at my situation. From a woman who once looked forward to the opportunities in a new land and hoped for the best, I'm afraid that I'm slowly becoming this resentful little girl who can only look at her current circumstances and sulk, unable to see what lies ahead. I wish I could write a more hopeful blog post today. Maybe something on how you could overcome trials, how to not worry and trust in the Lord. But to do so would make me a hypocrite, as I am still in the process of learning all of these for myself.
What I can tell you is that throughout the week, the words of Job kept running through my head:
"Shall we receive only good from the Lord, and not trouble?" (2:10)
"...the Lord gives and He takes away, blessed be His Name forever." (1:21)
I'm trying to hold on to that for now. Because for the first time in what I would consider such a long time, I was reminded that I am not in control of my circumstances but merely subject to the sovereign will of the Father.
 |
| from Ligonier Ministries |
I used to say that brighter days were to come once I moved here to the US. But where are those days now? Somehow I feel like that hope left me when my things were taken from me. And yet my conscience stops me before I even finish the thought. My heart is convicted because I realize that God never promised me those bright days. He does not owe me any pleasures in this world, nor am I able to bring them about by my own effort. I may profess that God is totally sovereign, but at the same time in believing that He is, my heart has become complacent. The irony of it all is that I leaned on Him less and started looking at the good things that were happening in my life as the fruit of my labor. As grateful as I was to the Lord for allowing them to happen, I became confident in my own success.
But my confidence should never stem from my possessions, my skill, or victories. And neither is it defined by my failures or losses. While many things were stolen from me, I am leaning on His promise that my salvation is secure and my worth in Christ is something no one can ever take from me.
As I think about how long I've been living in this country, I must remember that The Lord is wise in His ordinances. His providence is perfect. In other words, will my heart only give thanks when everything is going well, or am I able to still sing praises to Him even in the midst of suffering?
The Truth is, I was never promised a life free from pain or trial, however I was promised that He will be with me through it. That He knows HIS plans for me, not my own plans (Jeremiah 29:11-13); and while He feels righteous indignation everyday because of the wickedness in the world, His mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23) and His grace is enough to see me through (2 Corinthians 12:9). While the wicked carry on in their way seemingly unscathed, one day His justice and holiness will reign and His wrath will be poured out upon them. I seemed to have taken those things for granted over the course of time - only knowing them by head, but failing to understand it by heart. Just earlier this month I was writing about relinquishing dreams and not holding on too tightly to the world - see how quickly the Lord has tested me in that regard! But if this is what it took for Him to remind me and make me learn my lesson, then my tragedy is His blessing towards me and I can only look upon it with a spirit of repentance and gratitude.
My worth is not in what I own
Not in the strength of flesh and bone
But in the costly wounds of love
At the cross
My worth is not in skill or name
In win or lose, in pride or shame
But in the blood of Christ that flowed
At the cross
I rejoice in my Redeemer
Greatest Treasure,
Wellspring of my soul
I will trust in Him, no other.
My soul is satisfied in Him alone.
When you think about the gospel you remember how Jesus has compassion over us. He cried when his friend Lazuras died. Showing how he cares for those who follow him. Jesus prays for us. HE PRAYS FOR US! And of course died for us so we have a chance to repent and believe to have everlasting life. That's the promise. The sweet promise that we get to not only be in heaven where there is no more pain and suffering but to be with our God.
ReplyDelete1 John we're reminded that this world is temporary just like our trials. In James he tells us to count in all joy. For your sufferings will give you endurance. I can't tell you how many times my life has been blow after blow and it's so hard to trust in the Lord when some times all you can see is the pain.
But every time... Every single time I start to focus more on Him than myself I get to see the grace I see the reasons why things happen. More importantly I see Christ. Studying the Word daily and even being surrounded by people follow the Lord.
I'm sorry you've gone through all of that. But I praise the Lord that he still protected you and he always protect you. Our God is so big there's nothing he cannot handle.
Thank you for your words of encouragement. I'll be praying for you. There's this verse in Proverbs 31 being a godly woman. I don't rememeber which verse exactly lol but it says "she laughs at the days to come" because she knows the Lord and clings the God's promise she smiles because she already knows that Lord is her promise.
My prayer is that He continues to grow you. That you will always cling to Him and promises. To be reminded of His grace and how he loves you.
You're so precious. Thanks again for sharing. Been going through a lot too. But the Lord keeps us :)
P.S lol I made a lot of grammar mistakes that's why I deleted the last post. :P Love you girl :)
Dearest Lyn,
DeleteThank you so much for your encouraging words! I've been studying the book of James as well recently. The timing couldn't be more perfect since we're going through it at church and another friend recommended it to me as well. The Lord is definitely speaking.
I'll see you around!