Walk In The Light

The other night I woke up in shock from a dream I had. I dreamt that all my failed relationships came back to haunt me (!!! EVERY GIRL'S WORST NIGHTMARE !!!) - and one by one, each person reminded me why those relationships didn't work out and all the things that happened in between. I was generally unphased by it all, until at some point in the dream, my parents had walked in and started questioning what I was doing there - sitting in the dark by myself. (Not sure how that happened, but you know how dreams often work) The people who were in the room with me just moments ago had disappeared. I started becoming defensive and was explaining that there were a few guys in the room with me, which they didn't take lightly. It felt like they caught me for something, and I started to panic. Finally, I woke up.

The dream was sobering. I say sobering because in a way, it reminded me of the person I once was. First of all, I wasn't very good at relationships (Maybe even today; I'm a work in progress). And second, I was a chronic liar. In the past, I had mostly "secret boyfriends" (Context: I belong to a conservative family, so the thought of getting a boyfriend at 16 years old was ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS in my household) which I hid from my parents, and even my friends. And since nobody knew or could know about it, I would often end up doing most things with whoever I was with then hidden from plain sight. Planning dates, but making sure that we picked a time and place when nobody would be around. Aspiring for things that I couldn't share with anyone else because I was afraid or ashamed. Isolating myself from my friends or my family, thinking that nobody would understand. Lurking around in the darkness and manipulating situations or even people, to suit my desires; and all the while trying to maintain this image of being the "good Christian girl" - always actively serving in church, leading girl's Bible studies or organizing fellowship groups. I never realized then how constraining that was.

TRUE FREEDOM

We're so prone to that as Christians, aren't we? Putting on this facade of spirituality when we're actually rotten to the core. I may not commit the same sins I once did when I was younger (thank God), but I know I'm still capable of the same kind of offense. Because there were days when I found myself sitting in church on Sunday mornings, appearing to be listening to a sermon, when deep in my heart I knew I was being critical and harboring bitterness towards other people. God's people. Thinking I was better than them. Thinking, "they should be listening to this" rather than trying to hear the Holy Spirit speak to me. Trying to find faults in others rather than self-examining myself. I was so trapped by my sin, and I was so disgusted with myself. It dictated my every thought, word, and deed so much that even my service was calculated. So that just in case anyone brought up anything against me, I would be ready to fight back. I tried masking my guilt and justifying my actions as righteous anger - but in reality I was only increasing in pride, and sorely lacking in grace. I hated it so much and couldn't bear living like that for long.

Sin causes us to live in the darkness. We enter into a wrong relationship. We talk ill about a person. We make faces when our parents ask something from us. For a moment, when we gain gratification from these things, we feel that all is well. That we are in control. But in the moment that we become exposed, we hide, cover up, make excuses, lie, or manipulate; we make a defense for ourselves. Sometimes we even go so far as drag other people into the issue to get them on our side and justify us further. Other times, we diffuse the situation by elevating another person's sins over ours. We'd go to great lengths just to leave our good reputation unstained. What we thought we had under control is apparently controlling us, especially when we're not careful. 

But God's grace brings us out of darkness into His marvelous light. (1 Peter 2:9) He shines on the deepest, darkest parts of our hearts and sin - every evil thought or deed I have ever had or will have -scurries out. And when it does, there is this special sense of freedom we get to experience when we learn how to walk away from sin and into the Light.

"This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us."

- 1 John 1:5-8

ENJOYING THE BENEFITS OF OBEDIENCE

When I think about it now, i'm not upset or saddened by my past. Sure, there were things that I really regret doing, but I realized that if I never went through those things, I wouldn't be the person I am today, or wouldn't even know how to appreciate what I have now: FREEDOM. True freedom brought about by obedience.

How nice it is to sit at the feet of the Father knowing that you have been covered by His blood. How great it is to be in a relationship where you don't have to hide or feel ashamed. To know you are protected, and cherished - not used. How comforting it is to have friends who share your convictions, to know there is a safe space for you to pour your heart out without fear of being abandoned. How wonderful it is to have your parents support you, fully knowing you have nothing to hide and need not make a defense for yourself. How freeing it is to sit in church where I can listen with my conscience clear, knowing that the Shepherd is taking care of my soul. When we walk in the light, there isn't a need to put up a facade of goodness or hyper-spirituality because it is Christ's work on the Cross that holds us up, not our experiences - no matter how religious they may be. I never would have discovered the benefits of these things if I stayed in the darkness. It's true what the Psalmist says - "Taste and see that the Lord is good!" (Psalm 34:8) For I too am certain that when you have, you will recognize that there's nothing else like it.