Hitting A Wall

I just had one of those nights. You know, the one most musicians know about - the kind of night where every single thing seems to be fighting against you: you're trying to recover from laryngitis, while carrying emotional baggage. No one shows up to the gig even though you've put the word out. The restaurant manager suggests you cut your set in half, which means your pay gets cut in half too. Add to the fact that the weather isn't cooperating either. Everything that could possibly lead to discouragement and question whether or not you were meant for this all happened in one night. And it worked. It got me there. As if I didn't already have enough doubts running through my head.

For example, I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life. When I talk to most people my age, they seem to be so set on what they want to accomplish, and I can't help but envy them because they have direction, and I do not. And it's not that I'm walking around aimlessly. I actually know where I want to go - I know my heart is set on music, because that is where my gift is and that is what I'm passionate about. But I think I've hit a wall some where. I don't know what exactly about music I want to pursue. Do I want to perform? (Yes.) Do I want to teach? (Yes) Do I want to write? (Yes, but I don't know how.) I just don't know where to begin or how to get there.

This whole "quarter life crisis" started when I was having a conversation with a friend who was visiting from Manila, and my boyfriend, Nate. Over dinner, we started talking about things that we wanted to do and accomplish. My friend, after seeing a couple of states here in America, was determined to live and work here, one way or another. He's a director for commercials, and after seeing so many places and getting the chance to meet different people here in the US, he set his heart on making a name for himself here.

At some point, the conversation shifted to Nate who is currently in the middle of a career shift. After dating him for so long, I knew that even though he studied Nursing back in college, Nate's real calling was in pastoral ministry. It's been quite a process to get there, and he probably would say that he hasn't arrived yet, but as I watch him closely, I know he's on the right track. During dinner, my friend and I couldn't help but notice how Nate's eyes lit up as he was analyzing a few films, how there was a lot of fervor in his tone and how he was so confident about it. We both looked at each other while he was talking and agreed that Nate probably would have made an amazing Communications major, probably specializing in Media Studies. And my boyfriend liked the idea, since teaching has always been his gift and his passion, which many people, including myself, gladly affirm him in (plus he really likes movies and pop culture stuff).

When we parted ways that evening, I couldn't help but think to myself that I was sorely lacking in that area of my life: being sure of what I wanted to do. Over the next few days and even into the following week, I was trying to figure it out - going online and taking personality tests, writing down my strengths and interests, watching videos and reading articles on how to get out of my slump. I found a few music careers that sounded interesting, but none that really jumped out and said "THIS! THIS IS WHAT I WANNA DO FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!"

I'm ashamed to admit this, but in all honesty, praying was the last thing I did. I wanted answers fast, and I thought I could get it if I searched within myself or looked at what other people were doing to find answers. Obviously, I failed. So I went to the Lord, embarrassed, because it felt like I went on a quest, but found nothing in the end.

So for the rest of the week I resolved to open my Bible and sit at the feet of my Master and Saviour. I was deeply convicted about looking for answers horizontally that I could only really find when I look vertically. I came across Genesis 3 during one of my quiet times and realized how far I have fallen. V.16 stood out:

To the woman He said,

         “I will greatly multiply

         Your pain in childbirth,

         In pain you will bring forth children;

         Yet your desire will be for your husband,

         And he will rule over you.”

I don't know why I was struck by that in particular, but I decided to dig into it. Most people see this verse and often think that women will be cursed with a desire to dominate men. But that's not always the case, isn't it? What about the women who find themselves deeply insecure? Who are never sure of what to do until someone tells them to? The ones who are always trying to make sure that they don't cross any lines? The ones who easily break when they find out someone doesn't have a good opinion of them? The ones who live in fear of being abandoned or replaced? Those women exist too, even amongst the ones who like to think they are strong and independent. And it isn't enough to tell them to "woman up" or start taking control of their life. (I should know)

While trying to study this passage, I came across a great blog called Practical Theology For Women that explained this really well:

The word for “desire” in Genesis 3:16 can mean craving or longing.  The issue is best understood if we make the simple substitution of God for her husband.  Her desire SHOULD BE for her God.  Instead, her desire/craving/longing is misplaced. The curse is not that women want to dominate the men in their lives.  Women’s problem is that they worship the men in their lives and look to them for affirmation and provision emotionally and spiritually for things that God alone is supposed to provide.  Their problem is IDOLATRY. 

I'm not a wife [yet] so I know that the husband part doesn't apply to me. But I can see how this curse is so intricately weaved into me that it affects the way I live. We look to other things for validation. If it's not a man or any other relationship, it will be a career, or a hobby. We will always crave for something that defines us, when in reality, a Christian woman is supposed to find that identity in Christ.

DING. Lightbulb moment! This is what I had been struggling with for so long. And it hit too close to home for me when I had that one bad gig that night. I had a semi-meltdown in the car as I was driving home, asking myself things like "am I really meant for this?" or "should I keep fighting?" - and I wasn't just asking those questions in relation to music. I started questioning every single thing: from my relationships, to my day job, to my move to the States. It seemed that I had hooked my hope on these little things, these temporary things. They had become little idols where I found my identity in. And when there was any sort of threat that they would be taken away from me, my world crumbled. And the Lord was letting my world crumble. He's still breaking it down today.

"God's glory revealed on the Cross means we can give up chasing after small glories"

I forgot who said that. Maybe it was Alistair Begg while I was listening to one of his sermons on my drive to work. But I was reminded of that when I woke up today. The radical truth of the gospel is that hope isn't found in an experience, in success, or in a philosophy. Hope is in a person, and not just any person, but Jesus Christ alone. I wish this blog post would have a happy ending to it, but I haven't gotten there yet. There is no "5-step solution to find your calling in life" or a fast and easy way to get out of your quarter-life crisis slump. No article online, no good advice can quiet that storm in your heart. And that's me. I'm here, right now. And for the moment, the only thing that has given me joy in the midst of all this pain is 5 life-changing words: "I Am with you always". (Matthew 28:20)